Back when I was in grad school, I apparently thought this bit of sarcasm was worth spewing into the World Wide Wasteland. Somehow reposting this here seems an appropriate way to start this new experiment in humiliation. The date is accurate. I have made no adjustments, so take it for what it was.
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Sunday, August 05, 2007
"Blogs aren’t worth reading"
If you agree with the title of this blog you probably won't now be reading this sentence, and if I was strictly consistent with my own sentiments I shouldn't be writing it. However, for those who disagree or who "accidentally" clicked on the link I shall attempt to be moderately ridiculous and irresistibly persuasive.
While the term "blog" possesses something of a vague if not arbitrary etymology, it nevertheless retains an intuitive onomatopoeic sense which I believe we are all capable of grasping. The word "blog" is perhaps well suited to representing that strange sound which our imaginations might ascribe to the mental and/or emotional equivalent of blowing chunks. To vomit, retch, spew, hurl ones thoughts at the unsuspecting, ignorant, or masochistic is the true nature of the blog.
Certainly there are those who use this tedious medium to express truths regarding which they possess a reasonable degree of authority; however, those accidents of good fortune (of which I am the primary benefactor) cannot be credited to the medium itself.
As evidence of this fact, I shall delineate a few of the grossly indulgent behaviors this intellectual scourge has regrettably proliferated. Each heading shall consist in a label characterizing the description of such a particular behavior which shall follow, no doubt, to your hearty corroboration.
1. THE SAGE
This well-read (and therefore severely confused) blogger is most easily distinguished by the sheer volume (and/or length) of the blogs in question. The Sage's chief purpose is to reflect her own "wisdom," which has unfortunately been elicited by the insistence of one or two mindless flatterers. Quite often she posts daily and sometimes accommodates her insatiable fascination with the "sound" of her own e-ramblings by sending out mass (and massive) e-mails of equal banality. The musings most commonly possess a patronizing flavor, multiple reminders of the apparent inability to make moral judgments, descriptions of life as a journey without reference to a destination, paradoxical reflections on the insignificance of humanity and the ultimate significance of the human perspective, long monologues about the realization and annihilation of self as if they are somehow the same thing, and endless metaphors from nature.
DEFINING FEATURE: A mistaken belief that people actually read (and value) everything he or she writes.
2. THE RANTER/RAMBLER
Perhaps this is the most common form of blogger. Because the large majority of internet junkies are bad writers (not to mention generally void of worthwhile thought processes), these bloggers wait for the explosive power of inconvenience and boredom to spur them to action. These poor imbeciles have helped truly to fulfill the dyspeptic quality of the "blog." Quite often these rants are little more than tantrums abusing such outrageous circumstances as one's boss asking him or her to work harder, the lack of good television programming, the receipt of a speeding ticket, the indifferent attitude of a clerk at Macy's, and even something so atrocious as one's parents refusing to allow him or her stay out past midnight. God forbid.
DEFINING FEATURE: Spelling and grammar errors
3. THE NARCISSIST
Almost every form of blogger also fits in this category - some more than others; however, those who fit no other category generally belong here. The purpose of the narcissistic blogger is simply to glorify (or in his mind, give proper attention to) the supremely significant details of his life. No subject is out of reach so long as it is related to or specifically about him and his priorities. Everyone should take a great deal of interest simply because... well... it's HIM, duh.
Blogs often include everything from picking out an outfit for a concert to making toast.
DEFINING FEATURE: an unreflective sense of justification in taking up your time and energy with quite meaningless and self-aggrandizing narrative.
4. THE GENIUS
The last category which I shall address is the most reprehensible. This poor fellow spends his blogging energies in developing clever ways to criticize others. For instance, The "genius" will dwell at length on the vastly inferior grasp of the English language so painfully exhibited by his peers. Then he will draw absurd, verbal caricatures of a variety of people whose habits he finds (for one perfectly sound reason or another) bothersome. He employs an intentional lack of charity and often fails miserably at providing a sufficient degree of humor to warrant the time each blog takes to write or the strain they place on the readers' patience.
DEFINING FEATURE: willful ignorance of the extent to which his own criticisms apply to himself.
I hope now you will be able to classify and more accurately recognize the various bloggers of whose thoughts you have been made the frequent victim. Now that you are equipped with this knowledge, I am confident that you will be able to avoid such encounters in the future.
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